That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
