We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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