i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
