I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
