Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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