just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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