I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I still have a little drunk in my system
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
