my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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