and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
