I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
