Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
