i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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