We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
