the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
