I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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