Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
