if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
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