Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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