went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
