Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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