my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Actions speak louder than pants.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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