be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I would fuck him just for his dog
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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