oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
