i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
