Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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