he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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