if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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