I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
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