hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
