she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
