A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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