So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
