i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
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