He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo