I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
