so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
