The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
