My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
