I need help removing her.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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