My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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