I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
