I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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