I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
