Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
