also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
