i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
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