please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
