I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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