I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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