Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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