I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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