You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
