New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Everything about him screamed your future.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
foreskin is a definite game changer
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
