I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
