If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
