distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
In other news, I just burned my penis
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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