I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
